Dear Readers, this a short fiction of a Nigerian university student, he writes to God about his addiction in a Letter he tagged CONFESSION. Here is the letter below.
LETTER TO GOD
I am sorry, i write this from a repenting heart. I am sorry lord, I love you. I just did it again. Oh! I feel so bad and ashamed of myself. How long would I continue to do this, when I know you will not be pleased with me? I try my best lord; but it’s just so irresistible. The pleasure I get aftermath, the way I feel when I do it, I couldn’t just hold myself. The worst part? I kept saying to you and to myself, Dear Lord, please forgive me but I enjoyed it and to be honest, I know I am going to do it again. I love masturbating…. Am an addict …pornography triggers it….why do I keep doing this? I feel guilt after I indulge in it, I hate myself. I wish I had answers to my begging questions.
I could remember the sermon on Sunday at the campus fellowship, it was on sexual purity…it’s ranged a bell in my head. He dwelled on 1st Corinthian 6 vs.19 with serious emphasis on how our body is the temple of the Lord. I was touched, I was convicted and I rededicated my life to God afresh again after more than ten consecutive times this year and made a vow never to do it again. As I prayed that day, with tears rowing down .I was so sure that God was doing to take charge of my addiction….it really breaks my heart when I let you down. Now, how do a harkening to my vow…my rendezvous……
I was doing fine and free of guilt. Until the visit……I had already made a vow not to visit pornography websites and placed a limit to the time I spent on the internet. I had already told John that I was no longer interested and that my conscience could no longer take it anymore. He laughed saying I have said that several times but he respected my decision. When he said he was coming over it was to pick his assignment he left in my room the previous day. I trusted he wouldn’t make any attempt to browse and if he did, I would be able to control him and myself. Then I opened the door, we greeted and he went straight to the table to pick his note, beside the laptop, and I knew danger was approaching. I should have taken the assignment to his lodge and tell him not to visit my house again but I don’t do that. I joined him and we both surfed the net together, that was the end, when he left, I did it again…I masturbated again……
God, why is this so easy? Sin. I know I am contrary to your word ….a minster of that same word. I am expected to live a life of purity, but my name is certainty foremost on the sinners’ list. I’m not the only one of children with this problem. You know Brother Philips, right? When he preaches, souls are saved, the kingdom of hell is let loosed, but he also masturbates. How do I know this? I met him few weeks ago, in his room, when I went to visit, to confine in him about my addiction, though I don’t knock before I entered, I met him right naked masturbating, he begged me and I promised not to tell a soul. The next day, he was in the fellowship in a bible study class teaching with a passion on the subject, “stop ungodly habit” but who am I to judge.
I ask again, lord why is it so easy for us to sin and we love you so much? We obey you and yet we still disobey you. How possible is it for one to love you and still love the ways of the Devil?
I don’t continue in sin, to take your grace for fun, because your grace abounds? No. You’re pretty much aware of our sinful nature, it’s written that we have all gone short of your glory, just because of our sinful acts. Our Ancestors are not exempted from this- Adam and Eve in the garden, David, the king after your heart, your wise king Solomon…..and the like. Lord why do we fall short of your glory?
I don’t have answers to all these begging questions of mine but I love you Lord, I want to be right with you. I want to serve you in spirit and in truth. I want to be free from the influence of friends and the media that have often shape my thoughts and opinions. I want to be free of guilt and shame.
I still know you unconditional Love still abounds. I don’t take it for granted and your Grace is sufficient for us and I hang on to it, I hang on to that word. These temptations, these urges……beckons but I would continue to strive in that Amazing Grace.
I Love you and thank you for that Amazing Grace and your, Love that is unconditional.
With all sincerity,
Written by: owobo olorunyomi